over and done.

all this pain, all this agony, i hope it leaves me. i'm through with all this bull shit. i seriously can't believe it took me this long to do something like this. you probably lied to me more than once. i don't know. but it's to late now. i can't turn back. what's done is done. wait, let me make this clear to you. i've sat here patiently wondering, thinking, you kept me waiting which on my part was SO FRUSTRATING. seriously. what am i suppose to think. i used to believe we had something. i don't know what to think anymore. i'm not even sure if i'm okay right now. i do believe this is the right choice. so does many people and i'm glad i have there support. i know i'll make it through this with them by my side. even those who i would have not thought would help me out did, and i'm thankful for having everyone in my life. whether this breaks me or heals me, at least i know i have supportive friends who will always help me through whatever is happening in my life.

hell yeah.

SWEETIE. say what you want i don't give a shit. you tell me people hate me, i won't give a shit. say i can't dance, i don't give a fuck, say i'm a bitch, i won't give a fuck, tell me i'm a slut, i don't give a fuck, tell me that i try to hard, i won't give a fuck, say that no body likes me, i won't give a fuck, tell me all that stupid shit you trying so hard to hurt me with, i won't give a fuck. SAY ALL YOU FUCKING WANT ABOUT ME I'LL HEAR IT EVENTUALLY AND I'LL LAUGH IT OFF, WHY WOULD I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT HERE. so you can continue your life and i'll continue mines. whatever people say is what they think. and they can think what ever.

it's time.

is there anyone out there who could heal my broken heart? no let me paraphrase that. is there anyone out there who i would truly adore and love that will be able to mend my broken heart? come to think of it, i don't think there is. every guy i come across, ends up being the wrong guy. WHY? i'm tired of having my heart broken. i'm tired of sitting here moping around. why can't there be just that one PERFECT guy that i know i will stick with forever. so what if its not the time for me to find a guy. i just want to find one who will stay by my side through thick and thin, through the bumpy roads my life takes. i thought i had found someone like that. i'm really not sure anymore. he's an amazing guy. yeah he makes a FEW bad choices, but what person doesn't. he's given me crazy butterflies. he's such a sweet guy, loving, caring, and has a CHARMING smile. aww. his smile. his smile. he goofs around with me and it's cute. but oh his smile. oh and his muscles. haha. and tummy. XD i can go on. but no! ;] let's just say he's great. ;] i guess i like him too much. it's time that i let go of him. yeah i'll probably still have those feelings. but i won't allow them to get me off track with my life. i can't let that happen to me again. not ever. boys are boys, they'll always break a girls' heart one way or another...

climbing up to the top.

babby, you still got my heart, but despite how i feel, i'll always be here for you. so what if i was hurting. i'm becoming stronger everday and i'm glad.

Depressed?

About a week or two ago, I had reach my lowest point in life. Since my birthday, my heart has been slowly hitting rock bottom. I've only had the chance to tell someone how I truly felt once. It was to someone who gets me so angry every so often. He's really a good person and I thank him for being here for me. The thing that bothers me the most is that I couldn't tell anyone else other than him. I just wasn't comfortable telling my closest friends. I know I have friends who will always help me through what ever and whenever, but this, I just couldn't.

I've been stuck on this guy for about 8 months now. He's got me going crazy. I miss him and think about him constantly. I've really haven't had anyone impact me like this before. Not even my first boyfriend would top this guy. He's really a good guy and though I'm head over heals for him, I'd just love to be friends with him only. It's really hard right now because I feel as if he doesn't care for anything what's so ever. Yet I know he does. In the back of my mind I want to say that he was leading me on, but is it true? Was he just wanting to get some attention? No, was he just a pimp? Getting all the girls he wants. Just messing with our feelings? I really want to him to know that I care for him deeply within my heart. I don't know if it's love, or if I just like him so much, but it's time for me to move on.

When I was at my lowest, I began to cry out of no where. Grades began to drop. I started to care less about food, people, homework, school, and I had the urge to quit dance. Dance is my life. If all this was happening all at the same time, I knew something was wrong with me. It had to stop. Was I depressed. All I did was try to pay attention during school, get distracted during dance practices, and when I'm home, it's even worse. I would just lay in bed for 2 or 3 hours when I should be eating or doing homework. I didn't understand what was happening to me at first. But after 2 weeks of not doing homework and coming home and just staring at the ceiling, My life needed to change. He still pops up in my head once in awhile, but I'm really trying to forget about him and move on. It's such a difficult thing to do. But it's to make me feel better. If it's going to make me a stronger person then I have no choice but to move on. Just like the saying, "If you love someone so much, you got to let them go..."

FREE WRITE. -

I've been raised as the middle child all of my life. There's a saying that the middle child will most likely be treated differently than the other children; less attention. I have proof that this saying is undoubtedly true! During middle school I made very poor actions when it comes to my younger brother. We never really got along. I had somewhat of a wall between him and me. One day i decided to make one ridiculous move and that changed the rest of my life in a flash. That one night I decided to hit my brother on the head with paper that was rolled up. Instead of that paper softly taping his thick black hair, it made a u-turn and went straight towards his eye. A jolt came running through my mind knowing that i hurt the poor child. I instantly wrapped my arms tightly around my brother, swaying back and forth, apologizing for the foolish act I've made. With his cries echoing through the empty halls of the 2 story, 4 bedroom house, my mother came running in. With out hesitation, harsh and violent words were thrown out of her mouth straight into my ears. The rest I'd like to keep to myself. Let's just say that from that day on, nothing was ever the same again. Day by day I attempted to make my parents happy. I was always being compared to my sister. She''s special to them, she's their "perfect" daughter. She's the one receiving that 4.0 on the report cards, or just higher than what i get. Yes, it's very typical for the youngest child to be compared to the oldest, especially when the oldest is clearly smarter. But comparing myself to my sister is my parents daily routine. It's their job to furnish my mind about not being as great as my sister. I have to be reminded day and night as if i'm not already aware of it. I have reached a point in my life that i don't seem to mind that this is happening, but when it comes down to the "favorite" child, it's distinctly established that i will never be one of them. Apparently, my younger brother and my older sister are their "favorite." Just to make everything more intolerable they tend to be given 3/4 of everything they want. But me? As of me, i get about 1/4 of what i want. Reguardless of what i want or need, i cannot tolerate how my mother will be quick to assume about every wrong doing. If something is missing from her room, office, kitchen, or anywhere as a matter of fact, a light bulb flips on in her head. She will automatically shout my name. Whether or not I did take something, I'm always the first to be called. If we both go through almost a day without clashing heads, before bed time, she will find away to shout at me. It's pathetic how she will literally search for some way to say something to me that will get me so heated. And just to top that all off, i can't even stay in the same room with her for more than 30 minutes. There will be some talking which will probably lead me to getting furious with her. I don't want to risk the chance of mad, then coming into my room, being way to agitated to do anything. All i could possibly do is yell, scream, and dance my heart out on the floor. There's times when i can't escape from this world, so i'd cry, but i haven't done that in quite some time. This is literally pathetic. I see my parents on average about 30-40 minutes a day. I'm not exaggerating. This isn't something i would ever joke about. My relationship with my parents is a serious matter. I will be offended if you talk shit about my relationship with them without my consult. I love to hate my parents and I hate to love them. It's a love-hate relationship. I do understand that hate is very powerful and indecisive word, it's not like i could change back and change what happened. I do not wish to. Without the drama between us, I will most likely not be the same person as i am now. I've become more independent, more on track with my life. Whether i have their support or not. They say they do, but they sure don't act like it. They've tried to plan out my life, to bad they never will. They know i have my own personal view on what i want to do, i'm just not sure yet. If it has to do with going to school and getting big money, they'll approve immediately. but when it comes to other things such as dance, not so much. I'm still on this dance team because i know how to manage my time about school and dance. I can juggle anything. Dance, AP, and 2 honors classes is a lot to handle and without a doubt, it comes with the stress. The stress, the headaches, the migrains, whatever it is i've probably dealt with it. I can manage all of this and still be able to earn up to 5 A's and a B-C at this point in time, AND to top that off, still be able to hang out with friends almost every weekend! Impressive huh? No not really, you just have to think smart about everything, and ask yourself, "can i really do this? am i up to the challange?" I'm most definitely motivated. Even after doing all this, i still don't know what i want to do as i grow older. I'm hoping next year be able to take 2 running start classes, english and history. Then also take another 3-4 classes at Lynnwood, intergrated 3 honors, spanish 2, adv. photography, and possibly AP bio. AP Bio is still a question mark. Oh yeah, plus i'm still going to do dance, of course. Yes that's going to be a tough schedule, but i'm up to the challenge. I won't give up. Photography and dance i'll be doing untill the day i graduate high school. And I will most likely continue with dance classes and making photography my hobby. I look past the present and into the future. I need to imagine what i'm getting myself into. So, you tell me, will you ever have a life like mines? before you answer, this isn't even one fourth of my life and don't even start feeling sorry for me. If it wasn't for all this stuff happening to me, I probably wouldn't be as strong as I am now. ;]

pathetic.

shit.

this week is probably the worse week i've ever had. first drama with the momma. then some complications with a friend. then another friend is having their complications with family and others. i try and help out them all; i help everyone. but it's difficult when people don't listen. i love my friends. but being hardheaded is just plain stupid. it's not that hard to listen to what people to have to say, actually understanding and do it. man. even with my mom. goodness. stressful things happening. to much to worry about and yet it seems to be a routine in life. apparently shit happens all the time, but that's life, and you HAVE to put things aside or pull through and toughen up. because things like this only make you even stronger than you already are.

=O

as much as i love photography, i think i've turned into a camera whore! HAHAH. not cool. but i gotta love them candids. ;]

break

ah. i've been doing stuff everyday so far since break started. damn do i wish my cell phone contract was fucking over so i could fucking switch to t mobile! the parents better switch or i will KILLL them. anyways. so lovey and roman called me last night. its not the same as him just calling me, and i miss that. i miss talking to him. i still think about all the times we spent together, all the times we've talked on the phone...and i always wonder how it'd be if he switched to lynnwood instead of all the way in _____. i got to admit, i still miss him. and i've been talking to laquan again and i guess sam says laquan still has feelings for me, but i really don't know what's up. i don't even know how i'm feeling myself. all i know is that i still have feelings for him and that will never change. but as for laquan? i don't know. and damn do i wish lovey's mother would move near lynnwood so he, and HIM could go to lynnwood. then i'd see him everyday and i'd be much happier.

to HIM: You're that guy, the one no matter how many more guys I go through, I'll always have a thing for.

yay. i had plans for yesterday! now today and tomorrow! ;] yay. i'm soo excited. and dude. what if i get feelings for laquan again. OH GEE. anyways. i have 12 more pictures left to take for photography. but i want to go take some scenery pictures! or something on the water front somewhere. i hate not being able to go a lot of places without my mother getting MAD. ugh. okay. i hope i get good shots! i have to imitate pictures of Alfred Eisenstaedt. bomb photo-journalist!

today was not a good day, first the counselor told me i might not get my photography fee waived because i've had something waived this year already. THEN. later in the day i found out that i had no practice, so that was i big bummer! i was sooo looking forward to dance. i love it. then after school today when my sister came to pick me and lynn up, HUY happened to show up right behind my sisters car. and so we got into my sisters car and huy went in front of us, but apparently sandy told him to take the backroad, so he did a super fast sharp turn and hit billy's car. billy's car was aiite. but huy's, eh not so good. so he was in a bad mood. and i felt bad too. so we all went to lynn's house. after about an hour. we did some TALKING about a lot of shit that has been bothering us. and lynn is someone i can pretty much talk to about ANYTHING. so yeah. anyways. someone was getting on my nerves today. and she needs to start becoming a REAL person. that makes me mad.

I blog a ton. i usually use xanga. ;] ha. wanna check it out?
MONE3KA_HURR
i blog like everyday, it's how i vent, so if you wanna know about my feelings, ha i guess that's where i'd be letting it all out, or even here. ;]